They say that feeling in Control is key to
mental health. In fact, some
mental health professionals will tell you that the whole concept of mental
health is a measurement of the degree of control people believe they have in
their environment. Don’t confuse this with the word “controlling”.
We all know people who try to control everything and everyone around
them. That is not what I am talking about. There are two things you
cannot control—other people, and nature. Never forget that. You can only exercise control over your own
thoughts, and behavior.
So how the heck do we do
that? There have been a number of “self-help gurus” who have written
about this, but I came across the concept originally back when I was in the Army.
*
“Captain”,
they said, “Do you see that big oak tree
off to your right? And do you see where the bridge crosses the creek over
to your left? That is your Area
of Control.”
Within that area of
control it was my responsibility to determine the enemy avenues of approach,
place my soldiers, machine guns, and mortars, coordinate artillery fires, and
generally plan how I would fight the battle if it came my way. I made
the decisions. I had both the responsibility, and the
authority to do whatever I needed to do in that area.
To my left and right were other Captains who were doing the same thing in their areas of
control. I could not go over and tell them what to do. It was
their responsibility, and they had the authority. However, if the battle
came at them, I could, if necessary, readjust my forces, and assist them in
fighting their battle. This was called my Area of Influence,
because I could influence the battle there.
Beyond that, the rest of
the battlefield was my Area of Concern. What happened out there
concerned me, but I could neither control nor influence what happened
there. Obviously I was concerned that these other soldiers did their jobs
properly because if the enemy broke through their positions my unit might be
cut off and surrounded. Still I had no authority to go check on them, nor could I tell them what I thought they should do. My only recourse was to
focus on what I could control, and train my soldiers how to breakout from an
encirclement just in case the worst happened out there in the area of concern.
The same principles
apply to everyday life. War. It
seems it’s always there. It was in Iraq
yesterday, and Syria today. It hasn’t
gone away in Afghanistan, and now it’s here at home—Ferguson, Dallas, Boston,
San Bernardino, Berkeley, Washington DC. The stock market is climbing, or
dropping. Family members get sick or hurt. Jobs are being moved
offshore. Hurricanes. Tornadoes. Wildfires. Floods. Epidemics. No matter how much we want to, we cannot
control any of these. Sure, we need to be aware of what’s out
there of concern, but only so that we can plan our control issues better.
As humans, we respond to
danger by attacking (fight) or running away (flight). Either way, our
bodies produce adrenaline so that we have the strength to fight ferociously, or
to run like hell. When we get out there in our area of concern, and we
see these dangers, our bodies begin to produce the adrenaline required.
The trouble is that in most instances we can’t fight—how do you punch out the Consumer
Price Index? And we have no place to run—we’re stuck behind the desk, or
the wheel of our car. So what happens to the adrenaline that is flowing
through our bodies, but has no outlet? It eats us. Literally.
As a chemical agent it can destroy tissue. It can eat through the mucous
membrane that lines our stomachs and cause ulcers. It can cause anxiety,
and hyper-irritability. Not good.
The solution is to focus
on what we can control, or what we can influence. I can’t control the
economy, but I can control my checking and savings accounts. I cannot
prevent a tornado, but I can stock my basement with flashlights, batteries,
water, and food. I can’t keep management from shutting down the plant,
but I can bring my best value everyday so hopefully they never need to. The more you do these kinds of things, the
better you will feel.
When you can’t control
it, try to influence it. No matter how much you’d like to, you cannot
control your spouse, your kids, your parents, your friends, your boss, or your
co-workers. But you can influence them. You can talk to them.
You can work at convincing them that your way is a better way. Sometimes
they will listen. Sometimes they won’t. But if you prepare your
arguments carefully, and present them properly, and let them know you care
about them, you’ll influence them positively more often than not. The
area of influence is interesting, because as you expand it, you are expanding
your area of control too. See, the thoughts you have, and the actions you
take in order to influence someone are things that only you control.
Don’t stay hanging out in your area of concern. There is nothing you can do there except make yourself sick!
Come back to yourself
and ask: “What if?” What if my husband’s company moves the
operation to Mexico, or India, or China? What actions can I take now to
prepare for that eventuality? How likely is it to happen anyway—90%
certain, or only 10% chance? Act accordingly. You cannot eliminate
risk. We are fragile creatures in a hostile universe. But you can
control your response to it. You don’t have to be eaten alive with fear
and anxiety. You can think. You can act. You can adapt.
You can develop alternatives. You can
survive. You can even thrive.
As Viktor Frankl pointed
out in his book Man’s Search for
Meaning,
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are
challenged to change ourselves.”
That change is a
choice. It can only come from the inside. We may not be in control of the situation,
but we are in control of our choices.
*Stephen Covey talked
about these same topics in his writings, but I was first taught the concept at
the US Army Infantry School at Fort Benning, GA.
